Woodworking is a great hobby to have, and it can be even better if you know some jokes.
These are the best woodworking jokes that we could find.
If you don’t find them funny, then there’s no hope for you!
We have categorized all the jokes and puns into small categories. You can click the “table of content” just below to jump directly to each category.
The Best Woodworking Jokes
1) What do you call someone who hangs around with carpenters? A very close friend or relative.
2) Why did Johnny fail as a carpenter? He was always cutting corners.
3) How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four: One to hold the ladder, one to hand up the bulb, and two more just to make sure he doesn’t fall off!
4) We all know that wood is hard, but did you ever hear about the carpenter who was too?
5) What do you call a woodpecker with an extensive vocabulary? Sir.
6) Did you hear about the new carpenter shop? It just opened.
7) Why did the carpenter go broke? He didn’t know when to stop fixing his mistakes.
8) What should you say if the other person is bigger than you? “I take it wood!”
9) What do you call a carpenter who is always sick? A sawdust-pail.
10) How do you get a woodpecker out of your house? You stop making holes!
11) What happened when the carpenter sawed his thumb off with an electric saw? He got all thumbs.
13) Did you hear about the carpenter who made a mistake and hung his thumb to dry? He broke into tears!
14) Why did they stop doing construction at night in New York City? Because of all the holes that needed to be filled in, naturally.
15) What do you call a carpenter who never learned his multiplication table? A foreman.
16) What are the best tools for removing wallpaper? Scissors.
17) Did you hear about the guy that had the wood on his truck but couldn’t drive it anywhere? He was screwed!
18) Why did the student get the best grades in the class? He was always “wood” of his work!
19) What’s a carpenter’s favorite snack? A sandwich, duh.
20) How do woodpeckers get their prey out of trees? They use an ax, obviously!
21) Why does it take longer to build a house on the West Coast? Because they keep running out of nails.
22) What do you call an electrician with poor hand-eye coordination? A screwball.
23) How does a carpenter simulate sex in prison without getting any, um… material things that are against the rules? He uses his tool to drill the prison walls.
24) Why don’t woodpeckers play catch? They keep hitting their little wood heads together!
25) What do you call a carpenter who does odd jobs on the side? A handyman.
26) What happens when there’s no more room in hell? The dead start staking claims.
27) What do you call a carpenter who can’t hold his liquor? A drywacker.
28) What’s the difference between a man and a coffin? The coffin has the dead guy buried in it!
29) How does an architect like his eggs? “Creme de la creme.”
30) Why did the carpenter cross the road? To get to the other saw.
31) What happens when you throw a hammer at an architect? You’ll find out, don’t worry.
32) Why did the woodworker keep checking his level? He wanted to make sure it was really straight!
33) What do carpenters have in common with vampires? They both drink blood!
34) Did you hear about the cannibal who accidentally flavored his soup with pine needles? It was a huge scandal.
35) Why did the carpenter cross the road? To get to the other side.
36) What’s another way of saying “gullible”? A guy who believes that there really is a “glue factory” out there.
37) What do you call an architect with half a brain? Gifted!
38) Did you hear about the carpenter who made it into outer space? He went to the moon.
39) What are architects good for? Absolutely nothing! They’re useless, all of them.
40) Did you hear about the carpenter that was so poor, he couldn’t even afford wood? He found himself in a pickle!
41) What kind of screws do carpenters use when making bookshelves? Book screws!
42) What is an architect’s favorite type of nail? A tingle nail!
43) What do you call the first carpenter to arrive at a job site? The one with the key.
44) Why can’t architects play baseball? They keep hitting their heads off of trees, remember?!
45) Did you hear about the carpenter who had only one kidney? He didn’t need two anyway!
46) What do you get when you cross a cocker spaniel with a woodpecker? A collie woodpecker!
47) Why wouldn’t the other carpenters go to the pond with Johnny? Because they didn’t want to be in a pickle.
48) How does an architect travel from place to place? He uses the travelator!
49) Did you hear about the carpenter who was addicted to sawing? He couldn’t stop making cuts, even in his sleep!
50) What do you call a carpenter who works at home? A homeworker.
51) Why did God create woman? To build her man a fire.
52) What do you call an architect with no arms or legs? Trustworthy!
53) Did you hear about the carpenter who had one arm shorter than the other? He was in for quite a shock when he got his piano keys home and tried to play them!
54) Why did Santa Claus have three saws? One for the naughty, and one for the nice, and one to just send them through their paces…
55) How did the carpenter break his arm raking leaves? He fell out of a tree.
56) Why did the carpenter keep hitting himself with his hammer? He wanted to wake himself up!
57) Why did the carpenter use a level on his pizza? He wanted to keep it from toppling.
58) What do you call a man who hangs around with architects? A dope!
59) Who can screw in three light bulbs at once? Three electricians!
60) What’s an architect’s favorite soup? Bean!
61) Why did the carpenter ask for a window seat on the plane? He wanted to go out on his flight.
62) Did you hear about the woodworker who tried to kill himself by slashing his wrists? It was a total flop, he ended up ruining his belt.
63) Why did God give man a nose? To blow the architect.
64) Why was the woodworker confused after he finished building a birdhouse? He didn’t know what kind of tree to put it on!
65) Where does an architect keep his bookshelf? On file cabinets.
66) Why did the woodworker take a ruler to bed? Because he wanted to get a straight jag!
67) What do you call an architect without any fingers? Trustworthy!
68) Why was the carpenter’s house built so well? Because he used 2 x 4’s in its construction!
69) What does an architect use to hold his liquor? A drunk-tank.
70) What do plumbers never give to their wives for Valentine’s Day? Wood!
71) Why didn’t the carpenter keep any meat in his house? Because he wanted to stay away from the refrigerator.
72) What is a carpenter’s favorite Monopoly piece? The flat iron!
73) What is the difference between a job and a project? A job is a work that you do for someone else. A project is something that receives no mercy.
74) How does an architect greet another architect? With a firm handshake and a crisp salute.
75) Why couldn’t the carpenter stop singing during his house renovation? He was a one-man-band!
76) What do you call an architect with half a brain? Gifted!
77) What’s the difference between wood and trees? Wood burns.
78) How do carpenters prefer to be paid? In pieces.
79) What do you call an architect who cannot read? A little wooden boy.
80) What do you call an architect at the beach? Sand-dusted!
81) Did you hear about the carpenter who failed his driver’s test three times? He kept getting his signals mixed up.
82) How did the woodworker try to kill himself while using a circular saw? He stood in its path and went ‘Iiiiiiieeee!’
83) Why should you use a carpenter when your husband is sick? Wait for him to get better first.
84) What’s an architect’s favorite type of pie? Square!
85) Where do woodworkers keep their tools? In their carpentry boxes.
86) What does a carpenter wear to bed? His work boots.
87) Why did the woodworker climb up on top of his house? He wanted to see how much insulation he had.
88) What is the difference between a woodpecker and a woodworker? One peck at trees, one works them!
89) What carpenter wears the biggest pants? The one with the smallest toolbox.
90) Why did Santa Claus get mad at his woodworker elves? They had sleigh-bells on their shoes!
91) What do you call an architect that rides a motorcycle? A motorcyclist!
92) What’s black and white and red all over? A sunburned penguin.
93) Why do woodworkers like to work on old houses? Because they can make ’em with character!
94) What’s the best thing to hit an architect with? An ax!
95) Where does a woodworker go to see great plays? The Theater.
96) How do you make a carpenter laugh on Monday morning? Tell him a joke on Friday night!
97) What letters are not found in the English alphabet? The letter “k” is omitted – it’s the heaviest.
98) What did the woodworker name his pet slug? Slim!
99) Why did the carpenter carry his pencil behind his ear? He wanted to make sharp corners!
100) What do you call an architect in a three-piece suit? The defendant.
101) Why did the carpenter go bankrupt? Because he had too many chippies.
102) What is the difference between an accountant and an architect? Accountants know the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Architects know the cost of everything but the value of nothing.
Woodworking Puns
1. The best way to keep a woodworker from going in the hole is to make it too expensive for them not to use you.
2. Don’t always believe what an architect tells you about square footage.
3. A woodworker doesn’t have a waist but has corners at the hips and shoulders.
4. A carpenter always has a number 2 pencil, and an architect never does.
5. Have you ever noticed that it takes longer to walk through aisles with sawhorses than without them?
6. It’s hard to believe how many architects don’t know the difference between their and there.
7. Woodworkers don’t care what they spend on tools because their wives are rich.
8. A woodworker never knows the difference between left and right at 7 am when he is half asleep.
9. The only time a carpenter has to be in good shape is when he’s carrying lumber.
10. The best way for an architect to keep his desk clean is to stand up.
11. A woodworker has a saw in the center of his chest, and an architect has pencils in both pockets.
12. An architect can’t carry lumber, but he sure knows how many board feet it takes to cover a square foot of wall space.
13. Woodworkers never have to measure twice. They just cut once and hope for the best.
14. Woodworking is a lot easier than reading an architect’s blueprints.
15. The average woodworker gets paid by the inch, while the architect gets paid by the foot!
16. An architect always takes a tape measure with him when he goes to take a bath.
17. Woodworking is not an exact science because woodworkers are not known for their mathematics!
18. An architect spends his life thinking about the roof, while a woodworker only has to think about the basement flooring.
19. The best way to get rid of architects is to take away their drawing boards.
20. A carpenter doesn’t know the difference between a building and a bridge because he only works with three sides!
21. How many architects does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but he’ll spend three months drawing up the plans!
22. What do you get when you cross an architect with a woodworker? Someone that lays out gardens!
23. A woodworker is a part-time carpenter and full-time politician… they never want to pay for anything, but they always want more money.
24. Why do architects wear neckties? To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins!
25. What’s an architect’s idea of clean? A woodworker’s idea of sterile!
26. What do you call an architect with half a brain? Gifted.
27. How can you tell that an architect is lying? His lips are moving!
28. What does an architect do during foreplay? Reads the blueprints!
29. What do you call a well-dressed architect? The defendant!
30. How much dirt is in a hole 18 feet across and 18 feet deep? None, but what’s in the bottom half of the hole?
31. Did you hear about the architect who left his briefcase on top of his car and drove off? The police recovered it the next day… all of its papers were neatly stacked on top of the car!
32. Did you hear about the architect with a fetish for redwood trees? He wanted to screw one so badly that they finally gave him permission!
33. How do you tell when an architect is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger between the rope and his neck!
34. What do you call an architect with an IQ of 100? Your honor.
Woodworking One Liners
1. It’s easy to know where a woodworker has been because you can follow the sawdust from room to room.
2. A carpenter knows how many boards make a cubic meter, but not a minute of measure.
3. Woodworking is a lot like sex… if you don’t say it properly, you’ll be called a pervert.
4. An architect can learn to use any tool, but it takes a woodworker to sharpen the tools he’s already using.
5. Why did the carpenter keep sanding his work? It was in the wood…
6. What do you call an architect who drinks alone? Alcoholic.
7. How can you tell if an architect is well hung? There is a string hanging out of the rolls in his neck with numbers on it.
8. What’s black and brown and looks good on an architect? A Doberman pinscher!
9. When does a carpenter go to the hospital? To have his tools removed.
10. Why do architects wear gloves? To keep their hands warm and soft as they stroke the fine woodwork.
11. An architect is a person who tries to confine you in a space where he would love to visit himself.
12. How can you tell if an architect has been using your hammer? There’s white-out on the handle.
13. When an architect has a heart attack, he experiences pain in every part of his body, but when a woodworker has one, he goes to pieces.
14. Why did the woodworker fall off the ladder? The spreader wasn’t wide enough!
15. What do you get when you cross a woodworker with a prostitute? A screwed-up man.
16. Three words to ruin any carpenter’s mood: “Are you done yet?”
17. What is the definition of an optimist? An architect with leaky genes.
18. What do you call a bunch of architects at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!
19. What’s the difference between a woodworker and a lumberjack? A lumberjack chops trees… a woodworker chops toilet seats.
21. How do you keep an architect from drowning? Take your foot off his head!
22. Why is an architect like a grizzly bear? Every fall, he goes into hibernation.
23. Did you know that they have to use three nails for each table leg because the architect only designed the parts of the legs that are touching the floor?
24. What’s another way of saying, “the early bird gets the worm?”… A carpenter who shows up on time!
Woodworking Dad Jokes
- A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.
Suddenly, she just started screaming! It appeared that she had stepped on a woodworking nail his contractor friend had left sticking up out of the soil.
When her father asked her what happened, she replied, “I’m okay daddy”! The father, still reeling from shock at seeing his daughter in such pain, sternly asked her again.
Just then, the little girl looked up and said, “I’m okay dad…but how are you going to get me out of this pickle?”
- A young man was telling a couple of friends about an experience with his father’s new power tool, the table saw.
“I was walking by when he wasn’t looking and I turned it on,” said the boy, “And ran my hand down the blade!” The friends were aghast.
One of them suggested that if they told their wives about it, they would have been very sexually aroused by now.
Jokes About Woodworking Tools
- A carpentry tool that you keep in the bedroom is a bedmate, not a sleepmate.
- How can you tell which corner the carpenter’s level is hanging from? It’s drooping… or “level.”
- What do you say to a carpenter with a weak hammer grip? “Grip it hard and stick it deep.”
- Why did the carpenter keep sanding his work? It was in the wood.
- How is an architect like a puppy? Neither can self-fetch.
- Why is it bad to use a level after 5:00 p.m.? It’s wee-hours-of-the-morning precision!
- How does an architect change a light bulb? He holds it up, and the world revolves around him.
- What is an architect’s favorite wooden toy? A jigsaw puzzle
Sources:
41 Best Woodworking Jokes ideas
